Left lane begging

As usual.. something stupid... read on if you are a stupid!! :P

There has been a radical shift the way beggers choose their target audience. Until a month back, it was the right lane people (Ones sitting in cars, autos) that they used to focus on! Very recently, they have shifted to left-lane audience (Drivers of heavy motor vehicles alias lorries). I was so confused and the waiting is so long i started to think of potential reasons for the strategy shift!!

a) The car/auto fellas are feeding this community for too long and out of their "beggar budget"
b) The lorry driver's one rupee has a more emotional-rupee effect than a car owner's one-rupee
c) All beggars suddenly tried to enter the previously ignored niche market of lorry drivers creating a "nishe-urpulus"

4 P's of arranged marriage :P

A degree in MBA has taught many things and one among them is the ability to market each and every thing.. Let's see how this fits into the marrriage markets for an indian bride.

The 4P's of arranged marriage:-
Person - Bride's dad comes and says "See this photo, his name is J K V R S V Kumar. You will be marrying him on 23rd december. Period"
Place - He lives in Chicago, some downtown/uphill something... but Chicago is the place
Post - Also, he's a senior technical lead in a big MNC
Package - earning 12 laksh per annum.
The question here is which P is she marrying... that JKVRSV idiot, or some unknown place of chicago, or his stupid 12hr sloggin post or his 12 lakh money... Marketing experts says, you can't treat each of the P's in isolation. Only when you integrate them, you can have a good brand

The 4P's of love marriage:-
Purse - Honey, i want to go to Taj for dinner today
Personality - Hey, your masculine look is awesome yaa
patience - Sweetheart, why don't you just wait for me while i buy a hanki.. i won't take more than 3 hrs
Popularity - Hey, you know what. My guy is this, my guy is that, he's so kewly awesome
Now, these are a different set of P's. You have to see them in isolation to understand the brand.. Good money, nice time spent, nice image with friends, all's good when you see them in isolation. When you try to integrate all the above P's, all you see is a "why did i every fall for her" guy who don't know the purpose of this existence....

That's not all... There's one more P here who is
Picchekkina (maddened)
Pani leni (work less)
paatu leni (sense less)
Puneet (Me)

:P

The Art of cribbing

You crib
He cribs
She cribs
They crib
We all crib.. It's become an integral part of our work lives.
They say it's bad, it creates negativity, it hampers creativity, it makes you feel bad etc., etc., and etc., SCREW THEM!! I repeat, SCREW THEM!!
Find below the list of amazing things that cribbing can do:-
a) It gives you that feeling of a complete work day (A day without cribbing is a work day lost)
b) At its peak, it gives that kind of adrenalin rush that only scotch and s** can give
c) You always have a better story to tell than your co-cribber (It feels good being better than your peers... at least here)
d) You go back feeling relieved and with a feeling of acheving something
e) When you quit.. the only thing you miss would be the "crib sessions"

So... when you are in a job, CRIB, CRIB and CRIB.. That's the only way to be HAPPY :D

Dedicating this to my co-cribbers........
- An eternal Cribber

Airtel *Connecting people* presents --- The "i'm feeling pretty emabarrased... but" moments----

Moment 1:
Me: hmmm.... (rubbing my head)..well, i'm feeling pretty emabarassed to ask you this. But i'm waiting for my girl and my mobile is out of charge. Would you mind if i borrow your mobile and tell her that i'm waiting at this place
Girl1: yaa.. sure, not a problem
(Pick her phone, ring a number and the phone rings in my pocket)
Me: Okaay.. Now that i have your number, how do you want me to save it :)

Moment 2:
bell of the neighbour's house rings
A beautiful girl attends the bell
Me: Hi.. i live next doors... well, you know.. i'm feeling pretty emabarassed to ask this, but i mis placed my mobile somewhere and am unable to locate it. So if you could gimme a call on my mobile, i can start the search.
She: Ok.. and she dials my number
Me: (After a brief search) yaa.. got it.. thanks. As a return to your favor, In case you are searching for something/some one and you haven't found yet, you always have my mobile and my door bell. I'll be waiting for the cring crings :P

Moment 3:
I meet this girl in the lift who lives in my floor. As she was about to enter into her house.. I stopped her saying
Me: "Hey.. you live in this house?" wait wait.. i just got a call from your room mate saying that she was trying to call you but you're not reachable. With a sarcastic smile i continued.. Apparently she had some important work and she asked me to tell you to come an hour late to home today.
She: why?
Me: How am I supposed to know.. i know it's a pretty emabarassing situation for you, but why don't you just spend some time at my home till your roomie completes that important work and you can go back after an hour.
She: Ok
we both go in and started talking about various things and in the middle of the discussions, i ask this question
Me: "You stay alone or with room mates?"

Moment 4:
Me: Hey.. You know what.. I've got this new awesome "magic phone"
She: What was that
Me: It's got some super kewl sensor that detects the beauty of the caller and the phone rings only if the caller is beautiful
She: Shut up.. Impossible
Me: You bet! Wanna try? Dial 9867531421 and see for yourself...
She: Really? Let's see... she dials and the phone rings..
She: So
Me: So what.. you're beautiful and hence it rang.. simple!!
I got her number.. I'm happy!
She thinks she's beautiful.. She's happy
---------------
You guys got some meaningless timepass.. you're happy!! ;)

Sri Krishna Leelamrutham

I switch on the TV and this new Bhakthi channel had this blue guy dressed up in Peacock feathers, with a flute in his hand saying “Each individual has to pay for his mistakes”. Apparently, this guy is called Mr. Sri Krishna and he’s been watching every one of us for the past 10000 odd years, his only task being to ensure that each one pays for his mistakes. He’s heard to have given people extra lives so that if he somehow missed one in this life, he would ensure they paid back in their next life
When the first time I heard of this I was like shit scared. ICICI collection agents were much better man. They had Supreme Court overseeing them. But this guy, Oh my god! He’s this omnipotent, omniscient, unaccountable force. I started to recount all the sins I’ve committed when nobody’s around. While I was committing each one these, whether it be stealing a snack from the road side shop, copying in the exam, winking at the girl in white, I always doubly checked my surroundings to ensure that no such Sri Krishna was watching me committing these sins. How am I supposed to know that this blue colored guy who is always visible in TV and on walls of houses roams around with an invisible paint and he’s at one hundred thousand different places at the same time? The whole idea sounded like a fiction movie but my grand-mother told this whole thing while I was a kid and I never knew this guy is for real until I faced him recently, in fact just yesterday.
I was coming back late at 4AM from office in an auto and while I was trying to stay awake just to ensure that the auto guy doesn’t kidnap me or take a roundabout route to steal that extra buck from me, I felt a quick bump on my left and there he is. There he is the blue guy with his trademark peacock feathers and flute. As I was still trying to decipher if it was a hallucination, he gave me a slap on my forehead and started to converse with me. I quickly recalled his familiar face and I know whom I’m with.
Note: I wish he’d converse with me in English so as to cater to universal audience, but he knew he’d be better off with me in Telugu and hence the following conversation ensued.SK hereon means Sri Krishna and Me would be Yours truly.
SK: Orey donga naa kodaka… Choosthunna choostunna anni choosthunna
Me: Nenaa… nenemi chesaanu
SK: Nee ayya! Emi teleenattu emi natisthaavuraa… nee girl friends daggara aadu ee naatakaalu, naa daggara kaadhu.. nene natakala rayudini ante nannu minchesaavu kadhaa raa nuvvu… naa daggare jeevisthunnavu
Me: (Ayya! Eediki anni telusemo) Kaadhu nijamgaa emi chesaanu nenu (Manasulo recounting all sins)
SK: Orey Picchaa… chee boothulu teppisthunnavu kadhaa raa… nuvvu chesinaa papalu list ni oka excel lo tayaru chesthe adhi open chesinappudalla naa system hang ye… Inka aagithe vere panulu kooda jaragavani nee bharatham padataaniki night shift lo maree bayalderaanu
Me: (Wow! I got a business opportunity) you know what, Mr. Sri Krishna. You can actually outsource this activity to us. We do data analytics to many of the top companies and I’m sure you’d feel relieved of your pressure if you bank on us
SK: (Okka kshanam alochinchi) Nee ayya! Tantaanu raa ninnu… Ninnu tannataanikosthe naatho business mattadathaavuraa… Mattadakaa… Moosey… Next 5 minutes assala mattadaka.. cheppindhi cheppinattu moosukuni inu
Me: Alaage
SK: Muuyyy! Muyyy annanaa
Me: (silent)
SK: (Pulling out his laptop from thin air through some spell).
Me: (Oh fish! Intel G12 processor, 16ZB hard disk, 24TB RAM, this guy is 100 years ahead of us…. Dumbstruck)
SK: (He opens up \\Desktop\Puneet Sins1.xls and boy oh boy, he told the truth; It took a mammoth effort to open the list of all the sins and there it is. Two Lack Twenty Four Thousand five hundred and fifty six, growing at 14.6% even at the time of recession).
Me: Oye… Anyayam idhi.. Kaneesam 23 years kooda levu, intha pedda list aa…. Dobbicchuko, naaku teleedhu
SK: Muyyamannappudu muyy… lekapothe tosesthaa auto lonchi; idhi only part 1; ilanti charithralu manaki moodu vunnayi… Entha pedda customer vi raa baabu nuvvu naaku
Me: Mari antha pedda account unna cusomter ni kadhaa.. mundu discount adhi mattakunte pothandemo
SK: Thuuuu Thuuu nee… aaapu
SK: Aaru yellu, six years, Che saal; vere baashalu neeku raavu kaani; Arey naaku ardham kaaka aduguthaanu okkati cheppara… Aravai debbai ellu vacchina musalollu kooda edho pani chesthaaru kadha raa… Tippi Tippi kodithe Iravai ellu levu, aaru ellu assala emi cheyyakundaa khaalee gaa elaa koorchunnavuraa
Me: Ante appudappudu age of empires, counter strike, football avi ivi aada gaa. Madhyalo gali tirugudulu avi ivi evoti vunnayi..
SK: Naaku kathalu cheppakurarei… aatiki kooda baddakemeraa neeku… assalu elaa raa baabu.. alochistene naa burra chedipothondhi
Me: Ante SK, naatho oka nela vunte nerpistha… mastuntadhi life.. neeku ardham kavatle.. alaa podukuni dreamland lo kellli or ceiling nunchi raaluthunna sunnanni choosthoo, alaa aa ooge chettulu, dikkulu choosthunna kaaki, puncture padina tyre.. ivanni emi andaalule asala.. abbabbabbaa swargam kanipistaddanuko
SK: nijamaaraa
Me: Nijamaa naa, nuvvante ee papa paritoshikaalatho busy gaa vundi life ni miss authunnavu kaani.. choopisthaa dhaa… .naatho paatu oka nela koorcho neeku life ante ento choopisthaa
SK: vedhava veshaalu naa daggara eyyake.. inkaa ekkuva sepunte nannu dobbichedattunnavu kaani, nee ayya nee punishment list idhigo, nenu velthunna.. nenemi vinaledhu, nuvvemi cheppaledhu… haaam bheem phatt… ammo ammo!! Nanne marchesedattunav kadha raa ekkuvasepu ikkadunte… idhigoo list… nee edupedho nuvve eduvu.. nenu matram inko saari nee daggaraki raanu raa baabu
And the list reads:
- Slog 20 hours in the office
- Go and work on weekends
- Crib, crib and crib; The more you crib, the more you’ll have to crib
- You’ll gain additional weight
- No girl returns your stare
- You’ll get everybody’s sympathy you never wanted
- You’re salary will always be less than actual due to some issue
- You won’t get a leave to go home and bask in the ‘old style’ glory
- No TV to watch T20 and footie matches
- No intent to play computer games
- No time to sit and stare at ceilings
- No more 8 hour sleeps

I reached home just as I finished reading the list, paid the auto wala double the money as I was still reeling from the multiple shocks just encountered and sunk my head deep into the pillow.

I M B A

I MBA or I'M BA??

I frankly don't find a difference between these two statements. I've Spent the last 2 years in transforming myself from the latter (B-Tech though) to the former (MBA). But what i did and what i learnt was nothing more than enjoying an extended break of 2 more years.

The other day one of my friends called me up and asked "Dude... My prof in TIME says we need to slog our asses off and study like 1000 pages a day. How do you manage". I was like "1000 pages? Yaa.. some times even 2000 you know, you need to learn better time management and speed reading is very crucial. You know what, sometimes you have to stay awake for 3-4 days in a row to finish off the projects and presenatations. The expectations are very high and the competetion is intense. You can't afford to be complacent, ever." The other side of the line remained in pertrified silence as the dude on line stood expressionless fearing what would happen to him once he joins the M.B.A cadre.


For once, just for once, strictly between you and me let's speak the facts and let's illustrate them with an example.

There is something called a colored drink and there's something called a coke. Even though they taste the same, "the coke" costs 5 times more and sells 5 million times more. Now if you consider coke as a brand and map it on the keller's perceptual brand conciousness map you can find the emotional attributes are maked to the top right quadrant while the percieved goodwill occupies the top left quadrant. If you perform a guassian relation analysis on that you'll find that percieved value of taste is far surpassed by the brand imagery which further indicates a higher aspirational quotient for the soft drink category.
Now, I never understood that sentence and would never believe a person who claims to have understood such a sentence. But we MBA's proudly say that's what we feel are the reasons behind coke's success and repeat many such sentences with slight changes in the names and spellings day in and day out. To cut the crap short and put it as crisply as possible,

"You bullshit your way out of the fools who never knew how genuine bullshit sounds like. That's all and that's MBA."

and btw, in the coke example all i meant was "It's the feel you get while drinking a coke and not just the taste that matters". Now if i say this, everyone would that say he knew it and rightly so. And when i bring in percieved value and guassian tests i get paid for saying what every tom, dick and harry knows and why not... let's bring in lavoiser and newton and ask for a double pay. :)


Let's solidify our stance on MBA with another example
Four kids were involved in an MBA discussion:

kid1: Hey.. You know what, i wrote only 3 pages for the third question

kid2: Really.. I managed to write 4 with some tables and drawings and underlined the side headings. Yippie! I'm gonna get a grade more than what you'll

kid3: You know what.. i used color pencils and drew a flow chart for what each alphabet meant and how the alphabets N, A, F, T, A came into existence in english litterature

kid4: F*** ***... I just wrote the full form of it

(Just for record sake, the question was... "Expand NAFTA")

and the grades are out...

kid1: B, kid2: A-, kid3:A+, kid4: C (just passed)

kid3, quite dissatisfied with his results requests the teacher to give him an A++ (a grade that doesn't exist) so that he'd be the only one in his league.

And my dear ladies and gentlemen an MBA is a place of matured souls and hence please do expect to find a mixture of these kids with approximate compositions being

kid1 types: 20% (will upgrade to kid2 types in a month), kid2 types: 30%(will upgrade to kid3 types by the end of a trimester), kid3 types: 45%(they can't get any better(read worse)), kid4 types: 5%(50% of these take an year to upgrade to some level and the other 50% don't change... atleast not for numbers and marks)
*All percentages are subject to an error quotient of 0.1%.

To summarize it all, one of my friends in an emotional burst once rightly said, "I'll manufacture bullshit without feeding any bulls and make money out of it, If needed i'll outsource the manufacturing business as well." I hope he understood what he meant. After all he's also an MBA.

woooowww!!! Now i'm a complete man

"A complete man is one who in his life time has atleast once smoked, drank and went to jail" said my social teacher while i was in class 3.

Three hours ago, for Rs. 3, i've spend three times three (9) hours in jail. Unbelievable! believe it and that my dear ladies and gentleman could happen only in the land of miracles and guns, ghaziabad.

The background score is somewhat like this. A shabby looking student rushes to the railway station to drop his friend and accompanies him to the platform(no.2) without a platform ticket thanks to the heavy queues. While returning he gets caught by the ticket inspector and the story begins...

There are around 90 people in the room. 6 pickpocketers sitting in a row on a table, 3 chain snatchers and 80 other regular ticketless travellers and ME (sitting right next to the pickpocketers). It's now 10A.M and i've been already sitting inside that for 3 hours. An open bathroom coupled with cultured ghaziabadi folk added flavor to the occasion. Three armed guards stood vigil at the gate to ensure no one escapes the room. Everyone else there felt so like home over there. They have no exams, no presentations, no pending movies, they were really enjoying the place and the ambience. I was the only one not feeling like home over there.

Then enters sher singh, a tiny man in his mid-40's... the name of a sher, the size of a macchar :P. He's a true ghaziabadi to his core. Had a slight bulge over his pocket which for sure is a 0.34 mm glock, he started cursing and shouting slogans and slangs. Man, he's got so much emotion with him. Soon everyone started loving the 'sher singh show'. A show with yogasans, drama expressions and lots and lots of bull shit. I, for one never understood hindi and for the first time repented for my inability. However his emotions and expressions surpassed language boundaries and touched everyone's "laughal chords".

Still it's 12 noon and they said the magisterate would be in somewhere around 3 P.M IPT (Indian punctual time). Meanwhile i've been inventing a reason every 5 minutes in the name of exams, presentations etc., and etc., to escape their clucthes and none to any use. I waited, I waited and then.. I waited again.

It's around 3 PM and the magisterate quite shockingly arrives on time. I was scheduled to be 67th in the list to meet him despite being their first frag of the day. My continuous cirbbing about exams, presentations finally did good for me. They called me in first, thanks to my exams story and faked tensed expression and more thanks to some positive manipulation by the "master manipulator" (more about him in next blog) :D. They put us all (me, the chiansnatchers etc., etc., in a single straight line, ensured the straight line is straight and set us on our way to the magisterate). Boy oh Boy! what a feeling. All the attention is on me. The passerby's, vendors everyone's staring at me in awe! Being too modest i could not digest such appreciation and treaded ahead in steady steps. After 10 minutes of wait i enter the magisterate's room

The following conversation happened in English (English and ghaziabad ain't the most romantic of the couples, but then.. it happened like that only)
Me: Good evening sir
He: You did not take ticket, why?
Me: sir actually i had to drop a friend and by the time we arrived the train's already arrived and there's a big queue and so i had to rush to the platform without a ticket.
He: But, but that is wrong
Me: Sir i accept it and it's purely unintentional and my first time. Moreover i have been waiting since 7 AM and already lost an exam and paid the penalty. So be considerate (some stupid story in here in order to save some bucks)
He: After 6 months.. u come at 7
(I was like aaah.. what did u just say? Did it actually mean something? and gave an expression that meant the same)
He: This is a criminal offense and i'll put u in jail for 6 months.. then u come at 7 after 6 months
I was about to say... "Yaa, 6 months, i come, u go, thattt only"
but somehow controlled and said "sir, it was unintentional be considerate"
He: No intentional or unintentional.. fine is fine... go
Me: (i go, u also go) thanks...
and paid 256.67 times.. i.e., 770 re fine for a bloody 3 re platform ticket

and thus... I completed the missing element of my manhood (After having tried smoke and booze long back)

ps: All the characters, events and descriptions are truths truths and only truths

WIN FREE GIFTS!! (it's not fake)

"Life should get boring every now and then. well.. with out it, life'll be too boring."
Now let's not discuss on whether or not i made any sense (ofcourse i never made!), but i have to do something in life. That i know, what? i don't know.
So, i opened up a piece of wood pulp (known as a "book" in popular lingo) and opened it's first page. There lies the logo of our college in a beautifully faded blue along with a date that was out-dated by a month or so. "A 100 re. fine!" i grinned as i turned to the back page to see it's price. "Rs. 95", it was written in bold black.
Obviously disappointed with my efforts to study (My parents always were), i switched on my pious laptop that has gone into "Mute vratha" a month ago. During a dream or something like that i got a golden oppurtunity to score from my goal-post and as result there she lies. A white dell inspiron lying naked on the ground in the cold without a shiver or a scream and as they say. the rest is history and it wouldn't since then open it's mouth neither to sing a song nor watch a movie.
I venture out for a street talk to find a company and alas! the street doesn't talk. It's filled with busy people. People busy doing nothing, People busy dreaming and people busy realising their dreams and there i stand embarrassed amidst all of them without a dream, but with lots of time.
So, like a shrewd investor, i decided to invest my time so that i get it back with interest when i need it. Now the big question.. where to invest?

ANSWERS/SUGGESTIONS WELCOMED.... AMAZING GIFTS ASSURED IF YOUR SUGGESTIONS YIELD RESULTS