I M B A

I MBA or I'M BA??

I frankly don't find a difference between these two statements. I've Spent the last 2 years in transforming myself from the latter (B-Tech though) to the former (MBA). But what i did and what i learnt was nothing more than enjoying an extended break of 2 more years.

The other day one of my friends called me up and asked "Dude... My prof in TIME says we need to slog our asses off and study like 1000 pages a day. How do you manage". I was like "1000 pages? Yaa.. some times even 2000 you know, you need to learn better time management and speed reading is very crucial. You know what, sometimes you have to stay awake for 3-4 days in a row to finish off the projects and presenatations. The expectations are very high and the competetion is intense. You can't afford to be complacent, ever." The other side of the line remained in pertrified silence as the dude on line stood expressionless fearing what would happen to him once he joins the M.B.A cadre.


For once, just for once, strictly between you and me let's speak the facts and let's illustrate them with an example.

There is something called a colored drink and there's something called a coke. Even though they taste the same, "the coke" costs 5 times more and sells 5 million times more. Now if you consider coke as a brand and map it on the keller's perceptual brand conciousness map you can find the emotional attributes are maked to the top right quadrant while the percieved goodwill occupies the top left quadrant. If you perform a guassian relation analysis on that you'll find that percieved value of taste is far surpassed by the brand imagery which further indicates a higher aspirational quotient for the soft drink category.
Now, I never understood that sentence and would never believe a person who claims to have understood such a sentence. But we MBA's proudly say that's what we feel are the reasons behind coke's success and repeat many such sentences with slight changes in the names and spellings day in and day out. To cut the crap short and put it as crisply as possible,

"You bullshit your way out of the fools who never knew how genuine bullshit sounds like. That's all and that's MBA."

and btw, in the coke example all i meant was "It's the feel you get while drinking a coke and not just the taste that matters". Now if i say this, everyone would that say he knew it and rightly so. And when i bring in percieved value and guassian tests i get paid for saying what every tom, dick and harry knows and why not... let's bring in lavoiser and newton and ask for a double pay. :)


Let's solidify our stance on MBA with another example
Four kids were involved in an MBA discussion:

kid1: Hey.. You know what, i wrote only 3 pages for the third question

kid2: Really.. I managed to write 4 with some tables and drawings and underlined the side headings. Yippie! I'm gonna get a grade more than what you'll

kid3: You know what.. i used color pencils and drew a flow chart for what each alphabet meant and how the alphabets N, A, F, T, A came into existence in english litterature

kid4: F*** ***... I just wrote the full form of it

(Just for record sake, the question was... "Expand NAFTA")

and the grades are out...

kid1: B, kid2: A-, kid3:A+, kid4: C (just passed)

kid3, quite dissatisfied with his results requests the teacher to give him an A++ (a grade that doesn't exist) so that he'd be the only one in his league.

And my dear ladies and gentlemen an MBA is a place of matured souls and hence please do expect to find a mixture of these kids with approximate compositions being

kid1 types: 20% (will upgrade to kid2 types in a month), kid2 types: 30%(will upgrade to kid3 types by the end of a trimester), kid3 types: 45%(they can't get any better(read worse)), kid4 types: 5%(50% of these take an year to upgrade to some level and the other 50% don't change... atleast not for numbers and marks)
*All percentages are subject to an error quotient of 0.1%.

To summarize it all, one of my friends in an emotional burst once rightly said, "I'll manufacture bullshit without feeding any bulls and make money out of it, If needed i'll outsource the manufacturing business as well." I hope he understood what he meant. After all he's also an MBA.

woooowww!!! Now i'm a complete man

"A complete man is one who in his life time has atleast once smoked, drank and went to jail" said my social teacher while i was in class 3.

Three hours ago, for Rs. 3, i've spend three times three (9) hours in jail. Unbelievable! believe it and that my dear ladies and gentleman could happen only in the land of miracles and guns, ghaziabad.

The background score is somewhat like this. A shabby looking student rushes to the railway station to drop his friend and accompanies him to the platform(no.2) without a platform ticket thanks to the heavy queues. While returning he gets caught by the ticket inspector and the story begins...

There are around 90 people in the room. 6 pickpocketers sitting in a row on a table, 3 chain snatchers and 80 other regular ticketless travellers and ME (sitting right next to the pickpocketers). It's now 10A.M and i've been already sitting inside that for 3 hours. An open bathroom coupled with cultured ghaziabadi folk added flavor to the occasion. Three armed guards stood vigil at the gate to ensure no one escapes the room. Everyone else there felt so like home over there. They have no exams, no presentations, no pending movies, they were really enjoying the place and the ambience. I was the only one not feeling like home over there.

Then enters sher singh, a tiny man in his mid-40's... the name of a sher, the size of a macchar :P. He's a true ghaziabadi to his core. Had a slight bulge over his pocket which for sure is a 0.34 mm glock, he started cursing and shouting slogans and slangs. Man, he's got so much emotion with him. Soon everyone started loving the 'sher singh show'. A show with yogasans, drama expressions and lots and lots of bull shit. I, for one never understood hindi and for the first time repented for my inability. However his emotions and expressions surpassed language boundaries and touched everyone's "laughal chords".

Still it's 12 noon and they said the magisterate would be in somewhere around 3 P.M IPT (Indian punctual time). Meanwhile i've been inventing a reason every 5 minutes in the name of exams, presentations etc., and etc., to escape their clucthes and none to any use. I waited, I waited and then.. I waited again.

It's around 3 PM and the magisterate quite shockingly arrives on time. I was scheduled to be 67th in the list to meet him despite being their first frag of the day. My continuous cirbbing about exams, presentations finally did good for me. They called me in first, thanks to my exams story and faked tensed expression and more thanks to some positive manipulation by the "master manipulator" (more about him in next blog) :D. They put us all (me, the chiansnatchers etc., etc., in a single straight line, ensured the straight line is straight and set us on our way to the magisterate). Boy oh Boy! what a feeling. All the attention is on me. The passerby's, vendors everyone's staring at me in awe! Being too modest i could not digest such appreciation and treaded ahead in steady steps. After 10 minutes of wait i enter the magisterate's room

The following conversation happened in English (English and ghaziabad ain't the most romantic of the couples, but then.. it happened like that only)
Me: Good evening sir
He: You did not take ticket, why?
Me: sir actually i had to drop a friend and by the time we arrived the train's already arrived and there's a big queue and so i had to rush to the platform without a ticket.
He: But, but that is wrong
Me: Sir i accept it and it's purely unintentional and my first time. Moreover i have been waiting since 7 AM and already lost an exam and paid the penalty. So be considerate (some stupid story in here in order to save some bucks)
He: After 6 months.. u come at 7
(I was like aaah.. what did u just say? Did it actually mean something? and gave an expression that meant the same)
He: This is a criminal offense and i'll put u in jail for 6 months.. then u come at 7 after 6 months
I was about to say... "Yaa, 6 months, i come, u go, thattt only"
but somehow controlled and said "sir, it was unintentional be considerate"
He: No intentional or unintentional.. fine is fine... go
Me: (i go, u also go) thanks...
and paid 256.67 times.. i.e., 770 re fine for a bloody 3 re platform ticket

and thus... I completed the missing element of my manhood (After having tried smoke and booze long back)

ps: All the characters, events and descriptions are truths truths and only truths