Sri Krishna Leelamrutham

I switch on the TV and this new Bhakthi channel had this blue guy dressed up in Peacock feathers, with a flute in his hand saying “Each individual has to pay for his mistakes”. Apparently, this guy is called Mr. Sri Krishna and he’s been watching every one of us for the past 10000 odd years, his only task being to ensure that each one pays for his mistakes. He’s heard to have given people extra lives so that if he somehow missed one in this life, he would ensure they paid back in their next life
When the first time I heard of this I was like shit scared. ICICI collection agents were much better man. They had Supreme Court overseeing them. But this guy, Oh my god! He’s this omnipotent, omniscient, unaccountable force. I started to recount all the sins I’ve committed when nobody’s around. While I was committing each one these, whether it be stealing a snack from the road side shop, copying in the exam, winking at the girl in white, I always doubly checked my surroundings to ensure that no such Sri Krishna was watching me committing these sins. How am I supposed to know that this blue colored guy who is always visible in TV and on walls of houses roams around with an invisible paint and he’s at one hundred thousand different places at the same time? The whole idea sounded like a fiction movie but my grand-mother told this whole thing while I was a kid and I never knew this guy is for real until I faced him recently, in fact just yesterday.
I was coming back late at 4AM from office in an auto and while I was trying to stay awake just to ensure that the auto guy doesn’t kidnap me or take a roundabout route to steal that extra buck from me, I felt a quick bump on my left and there he is. There he is the blue guy with his trademark peacock feathers and flute. As I was still trying to decipher if it was a hallucination, he gave me a slap on my forehead and started to converse with me. I quickly recalled his familiar face and I know whom I’m with.
Note: I wish he’d converse with me in English so as to cater to universal audience, but he knew he’d be better off with me in Telugu and hence the following conversation ensued.SK hereon means Sri Krishna and Me would be Yours truly.
SK: Orey donga naa kodaka… Choosthunna choostunna anni choosthunna
Me: Nenaa… nenemi chesaanu
SK: Nee ayya! Emi teleenattu emi natisthaavuraa… nee girl friends daggara aadu ee naatakaalu, naa daggara kaadhu.. nene natakala rayudini ante nannu minchesaavu kadhaa raa nuvvu… naa daggare jeevisthunnavu
Me: (Ayya! Eediki anni telusemo) Kaadhu nijamgaa emi chesaanu nenu (Manasulo recounting all sins)
SK: Orey Picchaa… chee boothulu teppisthunnavu kadhaa raa… nuvvu chesinaa papalu list ni oka excel lo tayaru chesthe adhi open chesinappudalla naa system hang ye… Inka aagithe vere panulu kooda jaragavani nee bharatham padataaniki night shift lo maree bayalderaanu
Me: (Wow! I got a business opportunity) you know what, Mr. Sri Krishna. You can actually outsource this activity to us. We do data analytics to many of the top companies and I’m sure you’d feel relieved of your pressure if you bank on us
SK: (Okka kshanam alochinchi) Nee ayya! Tantaanu raa ninnu… Ninnu tannataanikosthe naatho business mattadathaavuraa… Mattadakaa… Moosey… Next 5 minutes assala mattadaka.. cheppindhi cheppinattu moosukuni inu
Me: Alaage
SK: Muuyyy! Muyyy annanaa
Me: (silent)
SK: (Pulling out his laptop from thin air through some spell).
Me: (Oh fish! Intel G12 processor, 16ZB hard disk, 24TB RAM, this guy is 100 years ahead of us…. Dumbstruck)
SK: (He opens up \\Desktop\Puneet Sins1.xls and boy oh boy, he told the truth; It took a mammoth effort to open the list of all the sins and there it is. Two Lack Twenty Four Thousand five hundred and fifty six, growing at 14.6% even at the time of recession).
Me: Oye… Anyayam idhi.. Kaneesam 23 years kooda levu, intha pedda list aa…. Dobbicchuko, naaku teleedhu
SK: Muyyamannappudu muyy… lekapothe tosesthaa auto lonchi; idhi only part 1; ilanti charithralu manaki moodu vunnayi… Entha pedda customer vi raa baabu nuvvu naaku
Me: Mari antha pedda account unna cusomter ni kadhaa.. mundu discount adhi mattakunte pothandemo
SK: Thuuuu Thuuu nee… aaapu
SK: Aaru yellu, six years, Che saal; vere baashalu neeku raavu kaani; Arey naaku ardham kaaka aduguthaanu okkati cheppara… Aravai debbai ellu vacchina musalollu kooda edho pani chesthaaru kadha raa… Tippi Tippi kodithe Iravai ellu levu, aaru ellu assala emi cheyyakundaa khaalee gaa elaa koorchunnavuraa
Me: Ante appudappudu age of empires, counter strike, football avi ivi aada gaa. Madhyalo gali tirugudulu avi ivi evoti vunnayi..
SK: Naaku kathalu cheppakurarei… aatiki kooda baddakemeraa neeku… assalu elaa raa baabu.. alochistene naa burra chedipothondhi
Me: Ante SK, naatho oka nela vunte nerpistha… mastuntadhi life.. neeku ardham kavatle.. alaa podukuni dreamland lo kellli or ceiling nunchi raaluthunna sunnanni choosthoo, alaa aa ooge chettulu, dikkulu choosthunna kaaki, puncture padina tyre.. ivanni emi andaalule asala.. abbabbabbaa swargam kanipistaddanuko
SK: nijamaaraa
Me: Nijamaa naa, nuvvante ee papa paritoshikaalatho busy gaa vundi life ni miss authunnavu kaani.. choopisthaa dhaa… .naatho paatu oka nela koorcho neeku life ante ento choopisthaa
SK: vedhava veshaalu naa daggara eyyake.. inkaa ekkuva sepunte nannu dobbichedattunnavu kaani, nee ayya nee punishment list idhigo, nenu velthunna.. nenemi vinaledhu, nuvvemi cheppaledhu… haaam bheem phatt… ammo ammo!! Nanne marchesedattunav kadha raa ekkuvasepu ikkadunte… idhigoo list… nee edupedho nuvve eduvu.. nenu matram inko saari nee daggaraki raanu raa baabu
And the list reads:
- Slog 20 hours in the office
- Go and work on weekends
- Crib, crib and crib; The more you crib, the more you’ll have to crib
- You’ll gain additional weight
- No girl returns your stare
- You’ll get everybody’s sympathy you never wanted
- You’re salary will always be less than actual due to some issue
- You won’t get a leave to go home and bask in the ‘old style’ glory
- No TV to watch T20 and footie matches
- No intent to play computer games
- No time to sit and stare at ceilings
- No more 8 hour sleeps

I reached home just as I finished reading the list, paid the auto wala double the money as I was still reeling from the multiple shocks just encountered and sunk my head deep into the pillow.